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Get Off My Lawn!

Note: this post is a break from Oscar’s stories…but is just as random.

Once upon a time, there was an old, tired man. He was the kind of grouchy old man that regularly found opportunity to yell at passing kids, “get off my lawn!” He often fussed at the teenagers driving past that they needed to slow down and “turn off that infernal racket!”

On one beautiful day, the grouchy old man woke up, opened his eyes, and said “I think today might be a good day to have a salad!” He had been thinking about a salad for several days, partially because he thought the roughage might be good for his bowels. So the mister grouchy pants got out of bed, walked across the floor, (stomp stomp stomp) opened his front door, and stepped out into the yard.

He walked across the yard with a small bag of lettuce, and poured it into a bowl. He opened a jar of mayonnaise, and scooped out two spoonfuls onto the salad. Then he sprinkled on some bacon bits and a dash of black pepper.

Old Grouchy looked at the salad, and thought that it lacked a little something. He took a bottle of Heinz 57 Ketchup, and squirted the entire bottle all over the salad. And a jar of jalepeƱo peppers. And a few pickles.

He then took the bowl, placed it in the middle of his empty swimming pool, and dumped In a wheel barrel full of freshly steamed collard greens. He topped that with sixteen 5 pound bags of croutons, six gallon jugs of cottage cheese, and a truckload of pickled pigs feet.

When the cement truck arrived, he helped the worker man dump the truck into the formerly empty pool, except the truck obviously wasn’t full of cement. It was quite clearly full of nacho cheese.

He added seven packages of premium bacon from the Oscar Meyer Original Collection, which he had luckily had the foresight to fry up the night before.

Because little ghosts and goblins had always been afraid to knock on his at Halloween, He had been able to hoard forty bags of leftover candy, which of course, went on the salad.

Remembering The Diet, he almost put on a piece broccoli, but recalled at the last minute, that broccoli gave him gas.

Finally, he decided his cheesy candy bacon collard green pickled pig feet salad was ready. It filled the entire pool, but it needed to be stirred. So he stripped down to his boxers, climbed on the diving board, and ferociously leapt into the middle of it all.

Landing on his belly with a loud SPLAT, he only sunk about an inch into the goo at first. Then he gradually sunk, as if sinking in delicious quick sand, all the way to the bottom.

If you would have passed just then, you might have seen a few gurgling bubbles escaping through the the cheese.

Then the old man pushed up from the bottom, bringing up some of the first batch of salad with him. Reaching the top, he took a breath, and dove slowly back to the bottom. Stirring with his whole body, especially careful to mix in the croutons and mayonnaise. It took about three and a half hours to thoroughly stir the salad with his whole body sinking to the bottom and springing back up to the top over and over.

Weary, he climbed out at last and took a napkin wiped the yummy salad cheese off of his body, out of his ears, and from between his toes.

Then he poured a glass of prune juice, ate the salad, and went to bed.

The End

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