The walk to the stretchy pants shop

[Note: “Stretchy Pants” in my house refer to what most people call pajama pants or lounge pants, renamed by me in honor of Nacho Libre.]

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar, who woke up one morning, opened his eyes, walked across the floor (pitter patter pitter patter), opened the door, looked up at the sky and said, “Ah, what a beautiful day for a walk.”

So Oscar walked out the door, turned left at the curb, and walked down two blocks. There at the corner, he saw a dog. It wasn’t Dog. It was just an ordinary dog. Although Dog is also a dog, clearly. So Oscar kept on walking. You see, Oscar was on a mission.

After Oscar walked two more blocks, he ran into Dog. This time, it really was Dog, Oscar’s friend, who is a dog, clearly. Not to be confused with the other dog, who is an ordinary dog and not Dog, the dog, clearly. But I digress. Oscar said, “Hello Dog!” to which Dog replied “Hello Oscar, where are you off to today?”

I should mention, perhaps again, that this was Oscar’s friend Dog, who is a dog, but not the ordinary dog previously mentioned. The ordinary dog doesn’t really play a part in this story at all. To avoid confusion, you should forget that I mentioned the ordinary dog altogether.

Oscar said to Dog, who is a dog, clearly, that he was going shopping for stretchy pants today. As soon as the words were spoken, Dog’s grew wide and his tail started to wag. “Do you mean it? Really mean it?” Dog asked?

Oscar just smiled and turned and walked up the street, with Dog, the dog, following closely behind.

Now you may not understand why Dog, the dog, was so excited. There is a man currently in Oscar’s town, maybe I shouldn’t call him a man. There is a legendary human being in Oscar’s town that is visited by people from all over the world. He has no name, and no one knows where he came from. But he knows. He knows like no one knows, exactly what is needed.

Princes, Ambassadors, Kings, Teachers, Preachers, and Presidents would come from far and wide to visit the stretchy pants man.

After Oscar had walked for quite some time, he and Dog stood side by side in front of the stretchy pants store. Almost afraid to go in. Now the stretchy pants store has every different kind of stretchy pants you can imagine. And the stretchy pants man was so gifted, so perceptive, and so discerning, that he could take a look at someone and immediately know exactly which pair of stretchy pants was right for that particular person. After standing there several minutes, Oscar got up the courage to walk in.

Now, if you can imagine, a store filled with racks and racks of stretchy pants as far as the eye can see, then you’re imagining the wrong kind of store. This store had only a single black leather chair, with an peeling green door that leading to the back room. The rest of the store was full of people. Note that I didn’t say full of shoppers, because these people were more like curious spectators than shoppers. You can’t really shop in a store that only has one black leather chair, anyway.

Well as soon as Oscar walked in the door, he saw the stretchy pants man, and the stretchy pants man saw him. They locked eyes for a moment, and then the stretchy pants man silently motioned toward the chair. A hush fell on the crowd as Oscar crept to the chair and sat upon it. Not a word was spoken for several minutes as the stretchy pants man eyed Oscar carefully. All eyes in the room were either on the egg upon the chair or the man before him, pensively stroking his chin.

Then the stretchy pants man stern concentration melted into a broad, toothy smile, and he strolled to the back room. Rumbling whispers passed from person to person, as everyone wondered when he would return and what he would reveal. Because you never can predict the actions of the stretchy pants man.

After a few minutes, the stretchy pants man strolled back in front of Oscar and gingerly placed a folded pair of pants before him. Oscar immediately perceived the perfection of the pants, and the crowd erupted in response. One woman fainted, another man fell to his knees and wept, but most either clapped for joy or cheered while jumping up and down with excitement. The stretchy pants man had done it again!

You see the perfect pair of stretchy pants for Oscar were green, with a repeating pattern picturing Darth Vader riding on a tricycle. Of course, this is the absolute perfect pair of stretchy pants for Oscar.

So that’s the story of the walk to the stretchy pants shop. Somehow Oscar made it back to his flat, but he was so elated that he doesn’t even remember that part of the story…so I’ll skip it and say that Oscar got into his bed and fell fast asleep.

Good night.