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The walk with a kitten

June 7th, 2014 by admin

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar. He woke up one morning, got out of bed, scampered across the floor, opened his door, looked up at the beautiful sun and said, “Ahhh, what a glorious day for a walk”.

So Oscar walked down the street to the corner, turned left, and walked several more blocks. While Oscar was walking, out in front of him strolled a little spotted kitten. The kitten was white with little brown spots, and the kitten said, “Hellloooo” [in a me-owy sort of tone].

Oscar said, “Good morning, little kitten, what is your name?”

To which the kitten replied, “Hellloooo.”

Oscar said, those spots you have there are quite nice.

To which the kitten said, “Hellloooo.”

Oscar tried another tactic by asking, “Do you live near here? I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

And the kitten replied, “Hellloooo.”.

Oscar made several more attempts to start a reasonable conversion, but the kitten always replied “Hellloooo.” So Oscar decided to name the kitten the “Hello Kitty”.

[Announcer-Voice: We interrupt this story to inform you that “Hello Kitty” is a registered trademark of Sanrio Incorporated and may not be used in any Oscar Story]

Let me back up a bit. Since the kitten always responded by greeting Oscar with a “Hellloooo”, Oscar decided to name her “Greetings Kitten.”

After several more attempts at conversing with Greetings Kitten, Oscar decided to continue his walk. Oscar left Greetings Kitten and continued down the street. After several blocks, Oscar turned left and walked four more blocks. He then turned left again and started heading back home.

On his way back home, out in front of him again strolled Greetings Kitten, who said, “Hellloooo.”

Oscar was tired of always hearing the same thing so he said, “Look here, Greetings Kitten. No matter what I say to you, you always reply ‘Hellloooo’, and that does not make interesting conversion, so I’ll say goodbye to you and keep on my walk.”

As Oscar walked past he heard, “Good Day”.

Oscar turned around, looked at Greetings Kitten, and asked, “I beg your pardon? What did you say?”

Greetings Kitten just looked at Oscar and said, “Hellloooo.”

Oscar was getting frustrated, so he turned and continued his walk home. He heard from behind him, “Haaa Haaa”.

Oscar turned around again, but Greetings Kitten just looked at him and said, “Hellloooo.”

So Oscar said a final “Good day” and walked away. From almost a block away, he heard Greetings Kitten calling, “It was a pleasure to meet you!”

But Oscar did not respond. He just went home, called his mother (Achpu, who lives in Malibu). He told her he loved her and missed her and hoped to see her soon.

The End

The walk with a princess

June 7th, 2014 by admin

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar. He woke up one morning, got out of bed, scampered across the floor, opened his door, looked up at the beautiful sun and said, “Ahhh, what a glorious day for a walk”.

So he set out on a walk. He walked down two blocks and turned right. He then walked down four more blocks and turned left. He then walked down, I don’t know exactly, let’s say three blocks. No, let’s say four blocks, because I think it really could have been more than three blocks, even six blocks. Okay, let’s start over. Down two blocks, then right, four more, then left, and then he walked (let’s say for the sake of argument) that he walked three or four blocks.

That just does not sound right. First, he walked two blocks. Then four more. Then he walked some indeterminate number of blocks and I’m not going to say how many it might have been. I guess I don’t need to be precise. It was more than zero and less than a thousand. There.

After turning right again, Oscar walked another indeterminate number of blocks, passing Buckingham Palace, which is the biggest house in the entire world. I’m not really sure about that, but it sounds good, and we are assuming it is true for the sake of this story. Do not look it up on Wikipedia or anything, because what does it really matter anyway?

Well, Oscar passed by the gate and saw the guards doing their guarding. There were a lot of them, but I suppose it takes a lot of guards to guard such a big palace. The Queen lives there, you know, in Buckingham palace, along with Prince Philip.

Looking through the gates, Oscar saw the most beautiful garden of Buckingham palace. Let’s call it “Buck’s garden”, although I don’t know why. I don’t think anyone else in London calls it that, but we might start a trend or something.

Anyway, Oscar noticed the beautiful garden, the biggest private garden in London (and you can look that up on Wikipedia). Of course, it’s probably a lot of work to keep the beautiful garden looking nice with the shrubs, flowers, trees and lawns. There were quite a few gardeners working on the garden keeping it looking especially nice.

Anyway, Oscar kept walking some other indeterminate number of blocks (don’t ask me how many) until he came to little shop. He walked in the shop, and there by the window stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She wore a white dress, a necklace with a sparkly pink jewel on it, and her hair was pinned up in a somewhat fancy way. On top of her head, she wore a tiara that sparkled just so in the sunlight from the window.

“My Name is Oscar,” he said.

“Hello, Sir Oscar,” she replied, “I am Princess Gardenia”.

Upon hearing her name, Oscar realized that Princess Gardenia was not only beautiful, but she smelled quite lovely as well. Oscar thought she smelled like a whole garden all by herself. He was compelled to ask her why she smelled so nice, and she replied, “Gardenia Juice.”

That’s impressive because gardenia’s are not particularly juicy. You have to put a whole bunch of gardenias I the juicer and squeeze them tight to get just one drop of gardenia juice. Anyone that can afford even a small bottle of gardenia juice must really be a princess.

Oscar asked, “Where can I get some gardenia juice?”

Princess Gardenia said, “Ask the gardeners at Buckingham Palace.”

So Oscar set out, retracing his steps for an indeterminate number of blocks. When he got Buckingham Palace, he stopped at the gate and asked the guard where he could get some gardenia juice.

Well, that was the first mistake. Oscar confused the Buckingham gardeners with the Buckingham guards. The guards had no idea what he was talking about, so they threw Oscar in jail just for good measure.

After a while, the jailors got it all sorted out and let Oscar go, but he gave up on his quest for gardenia juice.

About a week later, Oscar received a package in the mail. In it was a note from Princess Gardenia that read. “Sorry about the guards. You’re a good egg.” With the note was a single gardenia and a tiny bottle.


The End

The walk to the sandwich shop

June 7th, 2014 by admin

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar. He woke up one morning, opened his door, looked up at the beautiful sun and said, “Ahhh, what a glorious day for a walk”.

So Oscar walked out the door, walked to the curb, and went on his walk. After walking about two blocks, Oscar saw his friend Hamster.

Now Hamster, as you may have guessed is a hamster, and he is Oscar’s friend. Hamster greeted Oscar cheerfully saying, “Why hello Oscar. It is very good to see you today. You are looking perfectly bespeckled if I may say so.”
To which Oscar replied, “Of course you may say anything you like, but what is it that has made you so cheerful today?” and then “wait, let me guess.” And then Oscar went about trying to guess the kinds of things that might have made Hamster cheerful.

Oscar asked, “Have you some new hamster pellets at home?” He guessed that because Hamster is a hamster, and hamsters like hamster pellets.

Hamster replied, “No, I don’t have any new hamster pellets.”

Oscar guessed, “Has your little hamster wheel recently been greased?”

You see, hamsters like to run around on hamster wheels. The hamster gets inside the wheel and runs. The wheel turns around a bit and the hamster keeps running. The faster the hamster runs, the faster the hamster wheel turns, but if the hamster stops running, the wheel stops. Unfortunately for hamsters, the wheels don’t actually go anywhere. When the hamster gets out of the wheel, he’s always back in the exact same spot he had been in before he started running around in the wheel.

In my opinion, hamster wheels are exactly like a little arch in the garden that serves no purpose. It just sits there like a hamster wheel to nowhere. Except that a hamster wheel is a wheel that hamsters run around in and a garden arch is an arch that sits in the middle of someone’s garden. Other than that, they are exactly the same.
Occasionally, hamster wheels don’t spin properly. Moisture or something causes the wheel to stick. Whenever a hamster wheel sticks, usually a bit of grease on the axel of the wheel will help it get started again, quite often faster than ever. That’s why Oscar guessed “Has your little hamster wheel recently been greased?”

But Hamster grinned and said, “No, my hamster wheel doesn’t even need any grease. It is spinning splendidly, but I do have the feeling that while I’m spinning I can smell Poinsettias.”

Oscar guessed, “Have you new wood chips in your hamster bed?”

“Nope”, said Hamster the hamster.

Has your little hamster tube that runs from your bedroom outside the house and then back into the living room recently been washed”.

“Nope”, Hamster giggled.

Oscar kept on guessing and guessing all sorts of things that he thought hamsters might like, but all of his guesses were wrong. Oscar was about to collapse from all of the guessing.

“Give up?” asked Hamster, and Oscar did give up.

So Hamster, the hamster, told Oscar, “I’ve just been the sandwich shop. They were offering customers one of any five sandwiches, each as long as a foot, for only five dollars. You can get toppings on it like lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, and even jalapeños. Of course, I’m a hamster, and I can’t eat a sandwich that big. I just had a small salad.”

Oscar thought a small salad sounded quite nice, so he said goodbye to Hamster and went and bought one.

The End

The walk at night

June 7th, 2014 by admin


Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar. He woke up one evening, opened his door, looked up at the full moon peeking out from behind a cloud, and said, “Ahhh, what a spooky night for a walk”.

So Oscar set out on his walk. As he walked down the dimly lit street, he noticed a low hanging fog blowing in, like wisps of smoke creeping across the street and wrapping their fingers around him like an octopus might wrap its tentacles around whatever it is that octopuses eat.

I’m not really sure what octopuses eat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen pictures of an octopus eating anything except for the legendary giant octopuses seen taking down old sailor ships. I don’t think those were real. The only octopuses I’ve seen in real life were actually pretty small. I think some people eat octopus in soup, but it’s not something that I’m fond of. But I digress – back to Oscar.

As I was saying, Oscar was walking along noticing the low hanging fog, full moon, and scary looking trees. Did I mention the scary looking trees? They were swaying in the wind with their bare branches looking all scary and what not.

Suddenly, a monster jumped out right in front of Oscar! He was tall, with big hairy hands, pointy ears, large fangs, and about fifty or so eyes. He looked so scary, that just about anyone that saw him would melt away in fear like butter squirted over movie theater popcorn.

But Oscar looked at him and said, “Hello, Monster.”

And Monster said, “Hello, Oscar”. For this monsters name was, by coincidence, Monster, and Monster was a friend of Oscar.

Monster said, “It’s a spooky night for a walk”

To which Oscar said, “yes, it is”

And they talked back and forth like that for some time when suddenly A GIANT SEA SERPENT SWALLOWED THEM WHOLE!

After a few quiet seconds, Oscar yelled, “Cut that out!”

So the serpent spat them out (splat) on the ground and said, “My Bad”, and slithered away.

The End

The walk through a door

June 7th, 2014 by admin

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar. He woke up one morning, opened his door, looked up at the beautiful sun and said, “Ahhh, what a glorious day for a walk”.

So Oscar set out on his walk. He walked a few blocks down the street, but when he got to the end of the street, he kept walking past the street and straight into the woods. He walked for quite a while into the deep, mysterious woods, and he came across a door. Now the door was just standing there with no building or wall ceiling or anything you might find normally with a door in it.

Oscar stared at the door for a while and then walked around it. The other side, looked just like the first. It was a white door set in a brown door frame. The door also had a shiny gold handle on one side, but no handle on the other.

Oscar wandered what would happen if he opened the door, so he went to the side that had the handle and opened it. Nothing seemed to happen, so he stepped through the door way to the other side.

At that moment, everything around him changed. Everything was whitish colored and looked kind of fluffy. The trees were white and fluffy. The ground was white and fluffy, even the clouds were white and fluffy. It seems that Oscar had slipped into another world where everything is exactly like our world in every way. In ever way, that is, except for the fact that everything is white and fluffy.

Now before you say anything about the clouds in the fluffy white world being just like our clouds, which are also white and fluffy, I must remind you that all questions must be submitted in writing. They may then be taken in person to Oscars flat in London, between the hours of 2:00 and 3:15 on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Thank You very much for your cooperation and understanding.

Oscar went back the direction he had come, and soon arrived at his own street. Everything was exactly like normal, except for being white and fluffy. Since he was starting to get hungry, he stopped at the sandwich shop where he sometimes gets a sandwich and walked right in. The sandwich counter was white and fluffy. The tables and chairs were white and fluffy, and the sandwich man was white and fluffy. Oscar politely asked could he please have a sandwich, and the Sandwich Man fixed him a white and fluffy sandwich.

Now Oscar sat down and took a bite of his white and fluffy sandwich and realized that it was completely made of marshmallow. He took a bite out of his plate, and realized that it was also made of marshmallow. He even took a bite out of the table. It was made of marshmallow. The Sandwich man looked unhappy about the table-biting, so Oscar grabbed his sandwich and left.

Outside, Oscar took bites out of buildings, streetlamps, and even a automobile. Everything was made of marshmallow.

Oscar ran back into the marshmallow woods and ran through the open door there. Once he did, he ran back into his own world.

Luckily, he still had his sandwich. Roast Beef on Rye.

The End

The walk to t’ starboard bow

September 3rd, 2013 by admin

Once upon a time, thar be a pirate egg named Captain Arr-scar. Captain Arr-scar woke up one mornin’, got out o’ bed, went across his quarters. Opened his door, looked over t’ starboard bow, and said, “what a glorious day t’ pillage me some pirate booty!”

So t’ egg Captain Arr-scar said t’ his mateys, “let’s set sail for Pirates Cove”. And so t’ men set sail for Pirates Cove. When they got thar, they did plunder much booty, but Pirates Cove be full o’ pirates. Every time they left t’ do some plunderin’, some other pirates would do some plunderin’ after them. That way, they lost everythin’ they had and ended up with a ship full o’ other stuff that they didn’t have before. It kind o’ worked out like a Pirate Swap Meet.

So t’ egg Captain Arr-scar said, “let’s set sail for Mermaid Beach”, and they set sail for Mermaid Beach. There they did find t’ mermaids, and t’ mermaids set, “Get Lost! You all have two legs, and we only like people that have fins like us!” Captain Arr-scar said, “aw, come on, we be wantin’ t’ hang and chill with you mermaid-type people, but you aren’t bein’ very nice.” But t’ mermaids said, “no way, egg captain, you pirates gotta go!”

So t’ egg Captain Arr-scar said, “let’s set sail for Hidden Canyon,” so they set out for Hidden Canyon. But they couldn’t find it because it was hidden. It’s a hidden canyon, clearly. But they sailed and sailed and sailed and sailed. Just when they were about t’ give up, thar it was, t’ Hidden Canyon. And they sailed starboard into it, because thar be water at t’ bottom o’ t’ hidden canyon.

When they got t’ other end o’ t’ canyon, thar be an amusement park, with roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, and Ferris wheels. And all o’ t’ mates said, “oh Captain Arr-scar, can we go t’ amusement park?” And Captain Arr-scar said, “No, it be too expensive” and “pirate booty don’t grow on trees” and stuff like that. But t’ mateys said, “oh please oh please oh please oh please, we promise t’ swab t’ poop deck for a whole week” and so Captain Arr-scar counted their booty, said they could go, but they couldn’t get both a slushie and cotton candy, and they all went.

T’ pirates did much ridin’ o’ t’ merry go round, and t’ Ferris wheel, and t’ roller coaster. But when they found a ride that was shaped like a pirate ship, and it swung aft and forth, and up and down, they about went nuts. And they rode that ride for hours and hours.

But when it was time t’ get a snack, some o’ t’ pirates got cotton candy, and some o’ them got slushies, because they couldn’t afford t’ get both. And those that got slushies shared with t’ pirates that got cotton candy, and those that got cotton candy shared with t’ pirates that got slushies. And everyone went t’ ship happy. And soon t’ pirates all were avast asleep.

So the moral of the story be this: if ye can’t afford both cotton candy and a slushie, become a pirate.


Get Off My Lawn!

July 11th, 2013 by admin

Note: this post is a break from Oscar’s stories…but is just as random.

Once upon a time, there was an old, tired man. He was the kind of grouchy old man that regularly found opportunity to yell at passing kids, “get off my lawn!” He often fussed at the teenagers driving past that they needed to slow down and “turn off that infernal racket!”

On one beautiful day, the grouchy old man woke up, opened his eyes, and said “I think today might be a good day to have a salad!” He had been thinking about a salad for several days, partially because he thought the roughage might be good for his bowels. So the mister grouchy pants got out of bed, walked across the floor, (stomp stomp stomp) opened his front door, and stepped out into the yard.

He walked across the yard with a small bag of lettuce, and poured it into a bowl. He opened a jar of mayonnaise, and scooped out two spoonfuls onto the salad. Then he sprinkled on some bacon bits and a dash of black pepper.

Old Grouchy looked at the salad, and thought that it lacked a little something. He took a bottle of Heinz 57 Ketchup, and squirted the entire bottle all over the salad. And a jar of jalepeño peppers. And a few pickles.

He then took the bowl, placed it in the middle of his empty swimming pool, and dumped In a wheel barrel full of freshly steamed collard greens. He topped that with sixteen 5 pound bags of croutons, six gallon jugs of cottage cheese, and a truckload of pickled pigs feet.

When the cement truck arrived, he helped the worker man dump the truck into the formerly empty pool, except the truck obviously wasn’t full of cement. It was quite clearly full of nacho cheese.

He added seven packages of premium bacon from the Oscar Meyer Original Collection, which he had luckily had the foresight to fry up the night before.

Because little ghosts and goblins had always been afraid to knock on his at Halloween, He had been able to hoard forty bags of leftover candy, which of course, went on the salad.

Remembering The Diet, he almost put on a piece broccoli, but recalled at the last minute, that broccoli gave him gas.

Finally, he decided his cheesy candy bacon collard green pickled pig feet salad was ready. It filled the entire pool, but it needed to be stirred. So he stripped down to his boxers, climbed on the diving board, and ferociously leapt into the middle of it all.

Landing on his belly with a loud SPLAT, he only sunk about an inch into the goo at first. Then he gradually sunk, as if sinking in delicious quick sand, all the way to the bottom.

If you would have passed just then, you might have seen a few gurgling bubbles escaping through the the cheese.

Then the old man pushed up from the bottom, bringing up some of the first batch of salad with him. Reaching the top, he took a breath, and dove slowly back to the bottom. Stirring with his whole body, especially careful to mix in the croutons and mayonnaise. It took about three and a half hours to thoroughly stir the salad with his whole body sinking to the bottom and springing back up to the top over and over.

Weary, he climbed out at last and took a napkin wiped the yummy salad cheese off of his body, out of his ears, and from between his toes.

Then he poured a glass of prune juice, ate the salad, and went to bed.

The End

The walk that was the first walk

June 22nd, 2013 by admin

Once upon a time there was no egg named Oscar. The end. Good night.

Now, I recognize that you may object to the brevity of the previous story, so I’ll tell a story that occurred before there ever was an egg named Oscar, before there was a pitter patter pitter patter across the floor, and before there was a beautiful day for an egg to go for a walk.

Once upon a time, there was a bird named Achpu. Now Achpu was a strong, intelligent, and creative bird that flew high in the sky over mountains, streams, forests, and swing sets. She had wings that were long enough to stretch all the way out to the ends of her wings, and legs that went all the way down to her feet. If she had been in a pet shop, I’m sure the shop keeper would brag on her beautiful plumage, because both the color and arrangement of her feathers were quite striking. However, Achpu always thought of herself as a normal bird, not really different than every other bird.

One day, when the sun was particularly bright in the sky, which upon reflection, may be an unnecessary detail. After all, where else would the sun be particularly bright? I don’t recall ever seeing the sun being bright in a place other than the sky. I’ll start over. One day, when the sun was particularly bright…..on second one could see the sun being bright on television or in a movie, but that is irrelevant to this story. I’ll start over.

One day, while the sun was particularly bright in the sky (and not just in a movie or television), Achpu looked up at the sky, and said, “Ah, what a beautiful day for a fly”. So Achpu stepped out of her nest, spread her wings, and went for a fly.

And Achpu flew over a forest, over a river, over tall buildings, over schools, houses, and churches. She flew, and she flew. Past snowy mountains, and past streets where children play. She stopped only once for directions, when she saw a sign where a cow was painting “Eat Mor Chikin”, but the cow rude and didn’t seem to be in a helpful mood, so Achpu just kept flying.

Achpu eventually landed in playground where children had once been playing, but there were no children around. She hopped over to a puddle to splash around a bit, which really is a favorite activity for birds. Nothing beats a good splash. Except a good worm, but there aren’t any worms in this story.

Achpu splashed past some miscellaneous items in the puddle that aren’t really important, but the lack of importance for a topic has never really stopped me before, so let me catalog the various and sundry objects that were floating in the puddle. There was one button, a scarf like you wrap around your neck when you’re cold, two little lumps that looked like they might be coal, and some kind of pipe that was made from a corn cob. As I said, that’s not really important, but Achpu noted these things while she splashed about the puddle.

A little ways off, Achpu noticed an old, black tophat like the kind a magician might use to extract bunnies from thin air. Or he might pour a whole pitcher of water into it and then turn it over to astound the audience when no water comes back out. But there was no magician, just the hat, so Achpu hopped over to check it out.

The hat was black on the outside, and was lined with red silk on the inside. There were no bunnies popping out of the hat and there was no pitcher of water inside, so Achpu decided to take a little rest in the hat. And she did. And she laid an egg, which birds sometimes do when they take a rest in someone’s hat.

Well, Achpu fell asleep while sitting on the egg, and the egg got a little warm. So the egg climbed out of the hat (which really was a magical hat) and started to look around. He looked around the playground and looked up at the sky, and said, “Ah, what a beautiful day for a walk”. So he went for a walk.

The End.

Now, I did say “The End”, but perhaps I should explain a little more. The egg, as you might have guessed was to be named Oscar. He would often go for walks, but decided that he liked walking around London the most, so he moved there, rented a flat, and made many friends. Achpu, as you might have guessed, is the famous bird most known for writing the book How My Egg Cracked Me Up. She became very famous, bought a mansion in Malibu, and is adored by all of her fans.

The End. Good night.

The walk to the stretchy pants shop

May 21st, 2013 by admin

[Note: “Stretchy Pants” in my house refer to what most people call pajama pants or lounge pants, renamed by me in honor of Nacho Libre.]

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar, who woke up one morning, opened his eyes, walked across the floor (pitter patter pitter patter), opened the door, looked up at the sky and said, “Ah, what a beautiful day for a walk.”

So Oscar walked out the door, turned left at the curb, and walked down two blocks. There at the corner, he saw a dog. It wasn’t Dog. It was just an ordinary dog. Although Dog is also a dog, clearly. So Oscar kept on walking. You see, Oscar was on a mission.

After Oscar walked two more blocks, he ran into Dog. This time, it really was Dog, Oscar’s friend, who is a dog, clearly. Not to be confused with the other dog, who is an ordinary dog and not Dog, the dog, clearly. But I digress. Oscar said, “Hello Dog!” to which Dog replied “Hello Oscar, where are you off to today?”

I should mention, perhaps again, that this was Oscar’s friend Dog, who is a dog, but not the ordinary dog previously mentioned. The ordinary dog doesn’t really play a part in this story at all. To avoid confusion, you should forget that I mentioned the ordinary dog altogether.

Oscar said to Dog, who is a dog, clearly, that he was going shopping for stretchy pants today. As soon as the words were spoken, Dog’s grew wide and his tail started to wag. “Do you mean it? Really mean it?” Dog asked?

Oscar just smiled and turned and walked up the street, with Dog, the dog, following closely behind.

Now you may not understand why Dog, the dog, was so excited. There is a man currently in Oscar’s town, maybe I shouldn’t call him a man. There is a legendary human being in Oscar’s town that is visited by people from all over the world. He has no name, and no one knows where he came from. But he knows. He knows like no one knows, exactly what is needed.

Princes, Ambassadors, Kings, Teachers, Preachers, and Presidents would come from far and wide to visit the stretchy pants man.

After Oscar had walked for quite some time, he and Dog stood side by side in front of the stretchy pants store. Almost afraid to go in. Now the stretchy pants store has every different kind of stretchy pants you can imagine. And the stretchy pants man was so gifted, so perceptive, and so discerning, that he could take a look at someone and immediately know exactly which pair of stretchy pants was right for that particular person. After standing there several minutes, Oscar got up the courage to walk in.

Now, if you can imagine, a store filled with racks and racks of stretchy pants as far as the eye can see, then you’re imagining the wrong kind of store. This store had only a single black leather chair, with an peeling green door that leading to the back room. The rest of the store was full of people. Note that I didn’t say full of shoppers, because these people were more like curious spectators than shoppers. You can’t really shop in a store that only has one black leather chair, anyway.

Well as soon as Oscar walked in the door, he saw the stretchy pants man, and the stretchy pants man saw him. They locked eyes for a moment, and then the stretchy pants man silently motioned toward the chair. A hush fell on the crowd as Oscar crept to the chair and sat upon it. Not a word was spoken for several minutes as the stretchy pants man eyed Oscar carefully. All eyes in the room were either on the egg upon the chair or the man before him, pensively stroking his chin.

Then the stretchy pants man stern concentration melted into a broad, toothy smile, and he strolled to the back room. Rumbling whispers passed from person to person, as everyone wondered when he would return and what he would reveal. Because you never can predict the actions of the stretchy pants man.

After a few minutes, the stretchy pants man strolled back in front of Oscar and gingerly placed a folded pair of pants before him. Oscar immediately perceived the perfection of the pants, and the crowd erupted in response. One woman fainted, another man fell to his knees and wept, but most either clapped for joy or cheered while jumping up and down with excitement. The stretchy pants man had done it again!

You see the perfect pair of stretchy pants for Oscar were green, with a repeating pattern picturing Darth Vader riding on a tricycle. Of course, this is the absolute perfect pair of stretchy pants for Oscar.

So that’s the story of the walk to the stretchy pants shop. Somehow Oscar made it back to his flat, but he was so elated that he doesn’t even remember that part of the story…so I’ll skip it and say that Oscar got into his bed and fell fast asleep.

Good night.

The walk to the grocery store

January 24th, 2010 by admin

Alternate Title: “Fully Bespeckled” is fun to say.

Once upon a time there was an egg named Oscar. He woke up one morning, opened his door, looked up at the beautiful sun and said, “Ahhh, what a glorious day for a walk”.

So Oscar set out for a walk. He walked down the street, turned at the corner, and walked right up to the market. He walked in and strolled past all of the vegetables and saw his friend, Dog. You see, Dog is a dog (clearly), and Dog is Oscar’s friend.

Dog said, “Hello Oscar, What are you doing today?”

Oscar replied to Dog the dog, “I was going out for a walk, but it turned into a trip to the market. I think I might do some shopping.” After a pause, Oscar asked, “and what are you doing today?”

Dog said, “I’m just here to smell the steaks”.

Of course, smelling steaks didn’t sound like much fun to Oscar, being an egg and all, but he thought it would be perfectly reasonable for Dog to smell steaks that are in the market, because Dog is a dog.

So Oscar said goodbye to his friend and continued his shopping, and Dog returned to steak smelling.

Oscar was walking down the next aisle in the market when something suddenly caught his attention. Right there in front of him was a collection of kits that children used to color eggs at Easter time. One kit showed some eggs that were odd colors like red, purple, green, and orange. Oscar couldn’t remember ever seeing such colorful eggs. Another kit showed eggs that were stripped with different colors on the top, bottom and middle. But the third package showed eggs that were fully bespeckled. There were dots and specks of all different sizes all over the eggs.

You see, Oscar was slightly bespeckled, but he had always thought it would be fun to be fully bespeckled eggs. He imagined himself, being fully bespeckled, walking down the street in all of his fully bespeckledness. People (in his imagination) all commented, “what a lovely egg, not slightly but fully bespeckled.”

Oscar was so impressed with the idea of himself being fully bespeckled that he picked up the kit, purchased it at the counter, and rushed home straight away.

He immediately used the kit to do all kinds of bespeckleding to himself until he was, in fact, fully bespeckled. Oscar looked at himself in the mirror and being quite pleased walked out the door for another walk.

Sadly, people didn’t really react any differently to Oscar now that he was fully bespeckled. They just went on about their various errands without giving him much extra thought.

While Oscar was on his walk, he ran into his friend, Dog. [Now you may recall me saying earlier that Dog is a dog, so I won’t repeat it now. Oh no, I just did. Please forget that I said that.] … [Unless, of course, you did not recall me saying earlier that Dog is a dog and did not immediately reach that conclusion yourself. In that case, please remember it.]

Dog took one look at Oscar and said, “Why Oscar, you look quite bespecked today”.

Oscar, perking up, said, “Do you think I look fully bespeckled or only slightly bespeckled?”

Dog (a dog) replied, “Clearly, you are fully bespeckled.”

Oscar asked, “but do you think I look much more impressive being fully bespeckled and no longer slightly bespeckled?”

Dog replied, “You are my friend, and I love you dearly, so I’ll be honest. I kind of liked the slightly bespeckled Oscar better than the fully bespeckled Oscar. However, You are my friend no matter how bespeckled you are.”

Oscar, realizing his vanity was complete foolish, thanked Dog for setting him straight. He went home, washed off the egg dye, and went to bed. He realized that he was just the right kind of egg without any flashy dyes or some such nonsense, and he was happy to be himself again.

Even though he was slightly bespeckled.

The End